Am I the Abuser or the Victim? Relationship Self-Check

If you are in danger now, call your local emergency number (999 in the UK, 911 in the US). This self-check is awaiting review by a qualified professional and cannot judge a relationship for you. Domestic abuse helplines are free and confidential: in the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247; in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. Use a private browser window if someone checks your device.

Why This Check Looks At Both Sides

People often search “am I the abuser or the victim?” when a relationship feels confusing. Abusive partners may blame the other person, and people being harmed sometimes wonder whether they are the problem, especially if they have reacted in anger. Looking at both sides separately can bring clarity.

This self-check asks the same kinds of questions twice: once about how your partner treats you, and once about how you treat your partner. You get two independent readings rather than a single label.

The Warning Signs It Covers

Area	Examples
Monitoring	Checking phones, tracking location
Isolation	Controlling who someone sees
Emotional abuse	Name-calling, humiliation, gaslighting
Fear	Walking on eggshells, threats
Financial control	Controlling money or access to it
Physical harm	Pushing, grabbing, hitting
Sexual coercion	Pressure into unwanted sexual activity

Coercive control describes a pattern of these behaviours that traps a person and limits their freedom. In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship has been a criminal offence since 2015.

How It Is Scored

Each side has 10 statements. Because even occasional abuse matters, the thresholds are deliberately low: a score above 40% on either side is flagged as a serious concern, and 15% to 40% as warning signs. A single “often” answer to a physical or sexual harm statement is serious in itself, whatever the total.

Conflict Versus Abuse

Healthy conflict	Abuse
Both people can speak freely	One person is afraid to speak
Disagreements get resolved	One person always wins
Anger is expressed without threats	Anger is used to frighten or control
Both keep friends, money and freedom	One person’s world keeps shrinking

If You Recognise Yourself In The “Experiencing” Side

It is not your fault, and you are not overreacting.
Helplines can talk through options and safety planning, even if you want to stay.
Keep important documents and a charged phone somewhere safe.

If You Recognise Yourself In The “Using” Side

Taking responsibility is the first step; avoid blaming stress, alcohol or your partner.
Specialist programmes help people stop abusive behaviour. In the UK, the Respect Phone Line (0808 802 4040) supports people worried about their own behaviour.
Our anger test can help you look at anger patterns, but abuse is about control, not only anger.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can both partners be abusive?

Both people can behave badly, but abuse usually involves one person holding power and the other living in fear. Reacting to abuse in self-defence is not the same as being abusive.

Is it abuse if they have never hit me?

Yes, it can be. Emotional, financial and sexual abuse, and coercive control, are all forms of domestic abuse.

Are my answers stored?

No. Answers are scored in your browser and are not sent to us, and unlike our other tests this one does not save your result on your device. Your browser history will still show that you visited this page, so use a private window if someone checks your device.

For self-reflection only. Not legal or medical advice. See how we build our tests.

Relationship Behaviour Self-Check: Am I The Abuser Or The Victim?